June 16, 2012

My Eye-Witness Account of Iron Man & His BF Breaking Up in Front of My Building Yesterday

People who don’t live in LA always assume the reason i like living here is because of all the entertainment and movie magic that happens.  I tell them that LA’s just another run-of-the-mill sleepy little town and that it’s not like I see stars or, say, super heroes every day in front of my building.  Celebs are people too blah, blah, blah...HOWEVER, sometimes I get to experience things that happen in LA that I’m pretty sure don’t (read as: shouldn’t) happen anywhere else.  Not unlike what I witnessed yesterday in front of my building...and i hope I’m not outing any super heroes that aren’t comfortable with their sexuality yet --i know even today leading man reputations aren’t made out of, well, iron but I figure…(insert super hero name) did it in the street in front of my building so FAIR GAME!

So it’s yesterday about 1:43 p.m. PT roughly and I walk out onto my balcony to finish reading Nitsche’s latest page-turner and something shiny catches my eye -- at first I thought “enlightenment on page 8 already?” then I thought -- oh, no, silly, it’s just Iron Man and his boyfriend (BF) - What the Fu(?)ndamentally I feel awkward running back inside and grabbing my Nikon but I thought, “TMZ or RWR?” Besides I was respectful and didn’t (couldn’t) hear what they were saying,  I still think you’ll see pictures are worth a thousand words (as I was thinking “and these thousands of words should be worth about $25,000").

This was one of those times that I was actually sorta sad (if I had been able to feel that) that I was completely emotionally dead inside about love and all that bullshitzke.  Instead it just reinforced in my tiny little heart that not even $500 billion at the box office is going to prevent bionic heartache.

Here is my commentary:

Oh, gosh, Iron Man’s BF asked him to meet in a public place because he didn’t want a big scene or for IM to fly off the largest building in LA or whatever.  Oh, look, they’re standing so close together (I know, at first I thought they were doing something dir-tay to make Green Lantern jealous too but then we go to the next scene):

Yep, IM asked for the secret decoder ring that he had given BF when they were in Provincetown for Thanksgiving in ’09 (the weather was GOR-geous).  Oh, look how distraught BF is (thought bubble:  “Dammit, any idea how much I would have gotten for this on eBay?”).    So IM gets the ring back and was tossing it up nervously and trying to catch it with his iron gloves on but it just kept bouncing off the metal and flying under the pick-up then in the middle of the street until i lose my s*** and I yell, “put it in your damn iron pocket dumb***!”

I’m actually not sure if they heard me because the microwave timer went off which meant my Orville Redenbocker was done.  So I run back out to the patio just in time for that completely awkward moment where one of you stares at the other to see if you show any hint of remorse or emotion about being caught green handed him with both David Banner AND the Hulk.  While the other is thinking “I’m looking away because I don’t want to laugh in his Iron face but I wonder how long I have to stick around because I am really going to piss off David this evening...Iron SCHMIRON!”

Then the BF walks to his driver and they both get in the Bugatti that IM notices has been painted over and it sorta looks like Bat Man’s..."OH HIM TOO!?!:  AWKWARD!!

And as the State of California is a 50/50 state, IM realizes he can kiss half of his billions goodbye and the irony of having to give BF a wad of green is not lost on IM.  Forty-eight minutes later a City Cab slows down, rolls down his window and asks IM if he’s seen a super hero that called for a cab 9 minutes earlier.  Already he is trying to save money, bless his heart.

Then all of a sudden,  IM looks up directly at me as I'm hanging from the telephone wire with my Action Shot setting  and I see a glimmer of rust under his eye holes in the mask.  I almost felt an emotion so I quickly made it about him and gave him the show of brotherly/heroly support that i knew he really could use right now, "Can I get my picture with you?!"  The legend gets into the cab as Iron Man.  and gets out six minutes later an...