December 20, 2011

I AM HERE TO TELL THE PRODUCERS OF GLEE WHY THEY'VE LOST THEIR AUDIENCE



Trust me when I say I’m as happy to see This Year That Shall Not Be Named get the heck outta Dodge as anyone but I’ve sorta been stuck on one story that continues to be included in every year –end, wrap-up, best/worst of roundup story that gets written and is being written. 

That story is “WHAT IN GOD’S NAME DID GLEE DO TO PISS OFF SO MANY PEOPLE?” 

Remember those fat days when the Gleeks would buy the single sending it straight to #1 digital sales, to then flock with their flocks to that antique of all devices the television to watch, sing, dance, cry, become part of the group, pick which Britneyism each was going to be assigned for school the next day then run out and buy all 17 compilation versions regardless of the fact that every version had the same songs just in different order?  But we’re all Gleeks inside.  Respect.  Buy. 

Oh, my Madonna and Britney Episodes …then came the mashups that rocked our world and then the endless stunt cast members who came in and out of our lives but didn’t really  .. sorry, what was I talking about?   Oh, I love New Girl, too! What?

Lo siento, I digresso.  Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?  Rookies may say the problems are obvious things such as:

1) Never should have killed off Sue Sylvester’s sister – that was an amazing story line.
(If anyone should have died it should have been Puk (not hot enough to be that big of a %^$# -- thank you head nodders, thank you.))
2) Alhough huge props for figuring out how to actually pull it off, perhaps whoever lost the bet and had to make Curt even gayer should just see if we still believe he’s actually a homo if every once in a while the Glee Stylist (I know “jumbo shrimp”) got nutty and dressed him in, say, men’s clothes (cue the gasp)…ok, maybe one less poncho with trialgular cut-out per show??!
3) Turning the Glee club against each other was stupid because you know Santana and her lover Mercedes (and probably the Asian girl (oh, come ON!)) rule the school, as their idol Riz used to say in Grease, so no one was gonna be stranded at the drive in, kapeash?
4) Darren Gary or Chris Steve – the hot one who can sing but should never be allowed to move – you know who I’m talking about? Porcelain’s BF.  Anywho, should never have transferred to Rydell…well, UNLESS, Season finale he sings an Indigo Girls song and realizes that the person wearing yet another poncho next to him is a boy ‘tho he’s singing Beyonce’s “If I were a Boy” mashed up with Judy’s “Way Over the Rainbow,” huh, ya feelin’ me, shawty? (OR if he realizes he misses cuddling with the other Warbruthas and jumps the Dolphin with Britney on Unicorn). Hmmmm….
5) Need more Mike (is he getting hotter by the minute or is it just hot in here because I think he might be getting hotter by the minute?) and need more Tina ‘cause you know…you know Tina’s gonna come back to their 10 year reunion all New York Chic and sassy with business cards that say “that’s all” and Mike will have a quaint little dance studio where he gives free lessons to Darren Jerry and Puffier Finn because they just scored a cruise ship gig as back-up guitar holders for Charo.

No, Glee, here is part 1 of the answer to THE QUESTION. 

CONFIDENTIALLY:  The original 26 million people who used to care about the show are what we marketing folk call “Millennials.”  They love American Idol because it affirms their truth that each and every one of them will be famous.  For what they will become famous is irrelevant, silly goofus, ‘cause if Kelly and Carrie and Jennifer and (were there only three winners??) are famous then, there, proof that I will be too.

Glee provided Millennials with the backstories of all the people who would become famous from American Idol when they were in high shool wearing striped knee-highs and getting slushied (can you even buy those anywhere nowadays?), which was exactly what was happening to the 26 million nerds at the time so la raza! 

However, and I hope you will stop counting your wads to hear this – we’ve had three seasons of NONE OF THESE FREAKS-LIKE-ME HAS BECOME FAMOUS YET!  HELLLO!!!!  Not very true to life, people!! 

What??  They sing Gaga in a flashmob at the mall (practically writes itself a ticket) and they DON’T GET A $300 MILLION RECORDING CONTRACT FROM ONE OF THOSE COMPANIES THAT USED TO BE AROUND?  (CUE THE GASP) HOLD ON…surely that doesn’t mean everyone else won’t be famous, too, does it? (I mean, I’m still gonna be famous but those other poor bastards). 

REALITY SETS IN FOR THE LITTLE MILLENIALS:  Well, I’m not sticking around to have this blasphemy thrown in my face.  So either someone needs to get famous stat so we can see what the next phase of our lives is going to be.  Or Artie needs to be walking.  Because rest assured if you’re going to tell us that we have to go through high school and THEN get famous…then Artie aint the only one who’s gonna be walking…(unless he still can’t walk, I guess, but then we’ll still leave…’cause that’s the way we roll). Snap!”

(Stay tuned for Answer #2:  “Blame the gays…”)